Nice Guys vs. nice guys
Super cogent, super long dissection of the Nice Guy vs. nice guy dichotomy that many men have difficulty understanding. You see the Nice Guy attitude a lot in Geek Culture, where a lot of men seem to think that because they are “nice guys” who would never, ever, EVER cheat on or physically abuse a woman, they are entitled to a partner. It’s almost always tied into a type of misogyny where the man undermines the agency of the woman, declaring her incapable of judging character because she hasn’t chosen him.
Full article by DivaLion at LiveJournal. Excerpts below (I’ve added some emphasis to the part I found most interesting.)
“There are two kinds of nice guys in the world. Or, perhaps more accurately, there is a spectrum of niceguyishness.
At one end, are the guys who are just pure and simple good guys, decent people, humanly flawed perhaps but nonetheless likable *and* lovable, caring and smart, who have a lot to offer.
…
At the other end are the guys who identify as “nice guys”, often quite loudly and defensively, and who believe themselves to be under appreciated martyrs; usually they don’t understand why they never get the girl and have at least once in their lives bitterly uttered the phrase “Nice guys finish last” usually in reference to a female who isn’t dating them.”
“I have some news for you, Nice Guys of the world. “Nice” isn’t as much of a selling point as you’d think. In fact, for most women, it’s like expecting that your new car will come with wheels attached. I know that you think bitches women only like bad boys and jerkoffs, but we’ll get to that in a moment.”
“Nice Guys think it is enough for them to be so nice, so sweet, so attentive. Because it is enough, they think it’s ok to let other stuff slide. Like it doesn’t matter if they have good hygiene, because a girl who cares so much about exteriors is shallow and hypocritical if she can’t see past a layer of funk to the shining prince beneath. They don’t think it’s important to develop much in the way of social skills or good manners (although some of them do have a certain amount of charisma). They never stop to ask themselves whether the fact that they haven’t dated anyone since 1997 might have something to do with their annoying behaviors or poor sense of humor. In fact, they see no reason to make any extra effort to improve themselves or present themselves well at all— because they’re SO VERY NICE.”
“Nice Guys don’t actually care what a woman wants, which is one of the keys to identifying a Nice Guy vs. a nice guy, and which runs directly counter to their most deeply held beliefs about themselves. They think that they are great, caring, compassionate partners; usually, they just want a captive audience. They don’t have much respect for what her desires and preferences are unless they are for him, because if she wants something different than him, it is attributed to her dysfunction and desire to be treated badly by an asshole. They may spend some time with pick-up books and things that tell them how to get chicks, but they tend to follow the letter of the law and not the spirit. That’s why he’ll serenade you on a subway platform even though he knows you don’t like to call attention to yourself, and then be hurt that you were uncomfortable and embarrassed by the display. He likes to make a big show out of being romantic and considerate, especially when others are watching, but he will still forget to pick up his socks even if you’ve told him you’d rather have a clean floor than roses delivered to your office.”
